Life Isn’t a Bowl of Cherries …
It’s a Smorgasbord …You Like Some and you Dislike Some … But Sample it All
Life isn’t a bowl of cherries. Sorry, I know many have spoken forever the opposite of that phrase. Life is actually like a full loaded food-bar, filled with lots of experiences, tastes and flavors, some pleasant, some not and many in between. Some of life gets shoved down your throat and much you create and enjoy yourself (like a new recipe). It’s up to you!
When you look at your life, where do you go? Do you look at where you currently are, what you’re experiencing now? Do think about everything that you’ve gone through and stay stuck in all that? Do you acknowledge yourself for all your accomplishments? Or, do you even remember what they all are?
I think you actually want to do a combination. You want to honor your experiences and celebrate your accomplishments. It’s really hard to see the upside of who you’ve become without examining what brought you here – the good, the bad and ugly. … all of it!
When I work with people and ask them who they are in the world, they often tell me their job title or position in life. They say, well, I’m a CEO, I’m a Manager, I’m a teacher, I’m a wife or husband or parent. True, I appreciate that. But who else are they? What have they experienced that has brought them to this place?
My belief: EVERYTHING that we have experienced brings us to where we are now. We had to go step by step through the fire, as well as through the accolades and we NEVER fully arrive because whatever is next shows up.
Story: Many years ago, I was visiting my Mother in the hospital. While there, I ran into an old high school buddy. We hadn’t seen each other in many years. In my mind, this woman had the “perfect life.” She came from a well-to-do, in-tact family. She married her high school boyfriend, they had two wonderful daughters. They lived in a beautiful home in a wonderful neighborhood. And, to boot (much to my disdain) she was gorgeous and a size 4 or 6. I had always envied her.
At this encounter, I sucked it up and had a coffee with her, trying to quell my instant jealousy. Well, as it turns out, the tables were way turned .. I was shocked. Here’s what happened. She was at the hospital because her Father-in-law was dying. I, of course, gave her my condolences.
Important note here: She knew that I’d been through many difficult circumstances in my life. I came from a single parent home (Dad left when I was 4), she knew my Mother struggled to provide and we had little when I was young. She knew that I’d experienced tragedy with the loss of two brothers a few years back and that now I was facing my Mother’s debilitating illness.
Anyhow, we’re having coffee and she says to me, “Ann, I’ve always admired you. “ (I was shocked). “You know how to handle life and the difficulties it presents and I’ve NEVER had to deal with anything remotely hard, my life has been easy.” (That I knew.) “I don’t know how to handle this impending death. I’m totally unprepared with how to handle difficult circumstances. Can you give me some advice?”
That was a moment where I embraced and even became grateful for many of the hard things I’d handled in life. I knew I was more prepared. I knew I was strong and resilient. It was a pivotal moment. I did, of course, try to comfort her and offer her some ideas about how to cope, etc. I especially shared with her the importance of acknowledging her feelings and expressing them … not to suppress them. I told her it would eventually make her stronger and be of assistance as she faced further crises in her life. It was, indeed a wonderful encounter.
My work over the years has been shaped by this and many other events. Yes, I was a clinical social worker - therapist. I had training in how to be helpful to others. But, more importantly, I had life experience that taught me that I could make it through nearly anything, survive .. .and then even thrive beyond. In fact, it has taught me that I can be happy and fulfilled … I can chase life, I can reinvent it, and create it to be what I want.
I suggest now, in my work as a coach and as a “motivational” speaker that people embrace all aspects of their lives with appreciation. Do I mean you should be happy when you lose people or are struck with illness yourself, or lose jobs or anything else? No, you aren’t happy, of course not. But, you are being given the gift of opportunity here – a chance to deal with difficulty and then move beyond it, to go beyond where you ever thought you could … for yourself and for others.
Example: When I was 32 years old (yes, a very long time ago), I gave birth to my wonderful child, Gabriel. He was perfect. I was in love from the very first moment I laid eyes on him. It was a heavenly time. However, in that incredible time of happiness, I was also involved in the experience of my younger brother, age 27, dying from cancer.
That was in March of that year. Then, in September of that year, when my baby son was only 7 months old, my brother died. He’d been diagnosed the previous November with malignant melanoma and it took his life in only 10 months. He was 5 years younger than me and felt more like a child to me (you know I was the older sister helping my single Mom care for him.) Anyhow, to make matters worse, two weeks after my brother died, my older half-brother was killed in a car accident. It was the best of years, and the worst of years. Not only did I have to learn to handle my own grief, but also to support my Mother through the loss of two sons AND yet, there was the glory of this incredible new life that we all celebrated. I’m sort of convinced that Gabriel came when he did to actually help us transcend that tragedy.
Note: I had many things that prepared me to go through that year. My grandparents had all died. My Father had died when I was 19 (although he was mostly absent, we had reconnected in my teens.) My Mother had been dealing with a serious illness for many years. And, as a therapist, I’d done much of my own therapy and work to deal with everything as it came along. Was I prepared for that year .. with the double tragedy? Absolutely not. We’re never prepared for loss and grief, even when we know it’s coming. But perhaps some of us handle it more easily than others.
So, what’s my point here? What have I learned that I can pass on? Again, I say, sample it all, embrace it all, and let it teach you gratitude as well.
Assignment: Take this on, if you’d like.
1. Make a list of all the difficult things you’ve experienced. While you do it, it might be emotional, but also you can appreciate in the moment that you’ve handled it all. You’re still here.
2. Make another list of all the incredible things you’ve accomplished in your life, e.g. graduated high school or college, jobs you’ve held, how your kids have turned out, living situations, etc.
3. If you’re up to it, make a list of what you’ve learned along the way. Here’s a few of my lessons… just to spur you on:
a. People are with us for as long as they are – enjoy them.
b. Know that when you “let go”you open yourself up for more good things to come into your life.
c. It takes something unpleasant to remind us of how good life can be.
d. I can handle way more than I expect (although I’m not asking for more.)
So, my final words? Think of when you go to a restaurant with a smorgasbord .. a buffet… an “all you can eat” food bar. You go around the tables, you look, you smell. You take some and you leave the rest behind. Maybe you come back for more or different. Those of you who are adventurous might, perhaps, taste some things you haven’t tried before and give yourself a new experience. Perhaps you remember tasting those things before and that you didn’t like them, so you leave them behind. Importantly, you get to choose what to have linger on your palate, what will never enter your lips. It’s up to you …. You can eat a little, you can stuff yourself and be full and uncomfortable. You choose.
As I continue to work with people as they take on their life, as they ReInvent themselves, I’m committed to doing whatever it takes to get them where they want to be. I don’t mince words, I express myself fully, hoping to help them do the same .. to tell themselves the truth. Once they face their truths, their sadnesses, their circumstances AND look at their accomplishments, they can begin to move forward to whatever is next in their lives.
Until next time,
thanks for taking on your life.
ann
Labels: choice, honor yourself, Reinvention, What's next
